Bachelor Chris: Midseason Review

What a mess. Chris has been underwhelming as a bachelor, what seemed like solid picks have fallen by the wayside, and despite having my final three predictions all staying in the race they're all on their way out soon. However, a mess is something that's typically great television, and this season is surely no exception; high drama, rampant insecurity, and enough exclamations of "amazing" and "here for the right reasons" to fell the hardest of alcoholics (even early eliminatee/second attempter Jordan) in a drinking game.

But what if you've been missing out, and have heard the glories of The Bachelor but are just now planning to indulge? Well here's a recap on all the players left in the running.

Kelsey:
One of my predicted top three finishers, Kelsey had all the makings of a finalist judging from her performances in the first few episodes. Seeming calm and collected, and a business-like haircut that practically tells you as such, this former widow (another bonus point) should make it far. However, something in the past two episodes has gone horrifyingly wrong. She's become gossipy, whiney, and is throwing a high-pitched laugh in her arsenal that could shatter the countless glasses of wine that adorn the Bachelor household.

It came to the pinnacle at the end of last week's episode: she decides to tell the story of her husband's passing - a patented Bachelor move-on-to-next-week card to play - but with all the nonchalantness of a retelling of a tale of a trip to the grocer. She had the audacity to call the story of her husband's untimely death "amazing", later saying she "loves [her] story". Her inexplicable panic attack collapse at the end of the episode is spelling doom not for her health or mental well being, but for her chances of ultimate Bachelor victory - the most coveted prize of television as far as I'm concerned.

Becca:
Oh, Becca. She seems like a decent person. I believe she may be a naive girl who signed up for the show thinking it's a great chance to meet a good man and live a happy and prosperous married life.

The poor woman. I wish her the best as she finishes in 5th or 6th.

Britt:
If you have read my previous Bachelor blog (you haven't, most likely) I called Britt the frontrunner. Arguably the most attractive with an obvious connection from the beginning, it seemed like if Britt kept her wits about her she's a first place finisher in the making, or at least a future bachelorette. However, she's dipped lately; a constant open-mouthed gasping face at the slightest surprise (oh my gosh a date card?! On the Bachelor?!) feels like she's putting on a show. To quote many a fifteen year old girl - she seems fake.

After this week's ominous "nap" with Bachelor Chris, with a Godfather-esque door closing to ward away the cameras, the physical connection is, obviously, more evident than ever. However, too strong of confidence and being perhaps a little overbearing will spell her end before this show is done. She'll become too needy and overplay her hand. 3rd or 2nd place. Mark my words.

Jade:
Jade seems like a tremendously sweet, down to earth girl that's the type you take home to see your parents. She has all the innocence of -

...wait, hold on.

She posed for Playboy?

Ashley I.:
Alright, shame me. She was one of my top three picks from episode one. I didn't realize how rampantly insecure she was. I'm sorry. We all make mistakes.

The entire episode last week hinged on Ashley repeatedly stating she's a virgin - in fact, going as far to say she's never had a boyfriend. That's about as close to the truth as I'm as close to being a millionaire.

Megan:
Either the show is playing up this poor girl's idiocy, or she really is completely out of her mind. Not necessarily crazy, but just (at the risk of sounding rude) downright stupid. She's still in the competition for one of two reasons: the producers are asking Chris to keep her for comedic reasons, or her absolutely massive chest is carrying her through.

Both are fairly reasonable assessments.

Whitney:
The fact that Ashley I. hates Whitney is a sign that the latter has a good head on her shoulders. She seems like decent person and a potential winner, despite having one of the most obviously staged "wedding crasher" dates a few weeks ago leading to one of the more boring moments in the season, even by Bachelor standards. I'm rooting for her. I hope her incredibly high-pitched voice won't cost her.

Kaitlyn:
Kaitlyn went from the slutty one (sure to last maybe a few weeks) to an entirely different class of contestant - a narrator comedian, and a rather likeable one at that. I went from being ashamed that she's the only Canadian in the show to hesitant non-shame. Good for her. I predict a 4th-5th place finish.

Samantha:
Samantha is...

Um...

Well, she's currently in the show. From the four seconds of airtime we see her each week we have confirmed that yes, she signed up for The Bachelor, and yes, she is technically still in the running.

Mackenzie:
Slightly nutty, occasionally somewhat funny, a little aloof, and eliminated either this upcoming week or the next. I'm sorry, Mackenzie - you have a child and the rest of your traits don't quite make up for it.

Carly:
Typically I warn against women with crazy eyes such as Carly's, but this time she might be a decent pick. I don't believe she'll make it to the final three, but she kind of deserves it. She's pretty smart, well spoken and occasionally funny. Better yet, she's aware enough to recognize the power move by Kelsey to drop her "widow card" right before her likely elimination.

Bachelor Chris:
Chris has one main failing, and while Juan Pablo had several, this is one that they share. He can't speak for the life of him, especially when he's in panic mode. A few weeks ago he was asked an admittedly rather difficult question ("Why is it you're kissing all the girls?" or something to that effect). The honest answer would be he's the bachelor and he can do as he pleases because all of the women will flock to him even if he passed out Nazi propaganda brochures instead of roses. The correct answer would be to tell them he feels a number of strong connections, it's a difficult and unusual situation, and just because he has kissed someone else it shouldn't take away anything special from the relationship that he has with the girl he's talking to. Finish it off with the old bear with me, it's a difficult trial for all of us but I'm in it for love and to find a wife, and I'm asking you to trust me speech, and you're golden. Case closed.

Dang. Perhaps I should be the next bachelor. Is there a market for feeble, pasty Canadian men with days and days of World of Warcraft experience?

Bachelor Chris: Episode 1

Chris Harrison tells me this season of The Bachelor may just be the greatest yet. Despite the fact this is season nineteen, and that statement has been a staple since the second, I'm actually inclined to believe him. It has all the makings of a top notch season; a genuinely likeable bachelor, appropriate and believable levels of crazy, and legitimately very attractive women - which is, oddly enough, not always a guarantee on the show. Bear in mind, I'm holding them to Bachelor television standards, notably higher than normal.

After perusing ABC's preview page on the contestants, I'll give you the highlights of who to watch for this season - or just a few comical mishaps on their personal bios.

Amanda

Amanda's bio reads not far from what one would expect from a child. I know that's harsh... perhaps overly harsh, but... when given a fill-in-the-blank for "If I never had to... I would be very happy" - admittedly a pretty lame question - I would have hoped for something a little more creative than what follows.

"If I never had to upset others, I would be very happy."
"If I never got to play with puppies, I would be very sad."

Paired with what she'd do if she won the lottery:
"Adopt dogs and charter a jet for my friends anf fmaily to fly around Europe", somehow neglecting the spell-check tool on her own description, I do not have the highest of hopes.

Amber

Poor Amber. There doesn't seem to be anything wrong with her, and I'm sure she's a decent woman, but she won't make it past round four. The poor girl is black, and America just isn't ready for a black contestant to go further than that.

Black president? Possible. Black bachelor/bachelorette? Not in my lifetime. You can put away your signs with Amber's face with "Hope" as the caption - it just ain't happening.





Ashley I.

Ashley I. has potential. She's decent looking, speaks well, says a few funny things here and there, and my girlfriend is jealous of her eyes. Her major drawback is an incredibly gummy smile (not demonstrated in this picture by a favourable angle). If she can maintain a steady level of depression throughout this season to prevent that failing, I predict a third place finish.

Ashley S. 

I would bet you anything Ashley S. was a weathergirl in the '80s. Perhaps it's her likeness to Veronica Corningstone, or the pose, or the hair, but it's all I can see. Maybe because according to her description she "can't live without sunshine" - presumably because that's her favourite report to give.  Her bio was brief and boring, and she seemed like either first round elimination cannon fodder, or a mid-season low airtime quiet finish at best. What I certainly did not expect was her to be the resident crazy. Her strange obsession with an onion (turns out it was a pomegranate - but why was that there either?) as well as few off putting remarks has solidified her in that position.  

Bo

A plus-sized model. That's halfway to getting past the first round, but only halfway. Goodbye, Bo.

By the way... if you're the one girl who isn't Barbie-esque skinny, perhaps don't list "food" as one of the things you can't live without. I know, I know, she has the 'curvy' appeal, but it's just asking for trouble.





Britt

It's not often such a clear front runner emerges in the first episode. Britt not only snagged the first impression rose, but also also stole the first kiss - in the first episode! This may just be a rare moment of poor form on Chris' part on that one. 

Britt may lose her first place position only one way, and it showed in the very first moment she met Chris. An extended, uncomfortable-for-the-viewer hug might spawn into a potential overwhelmed and far too in love situation down the line. She might drop the "L" bomb too early, and it just might cost her. Otherwise, she's got it made.

Brittany

 Oh, Brittany. So clearly thrown in as a viewers grab; a "WWE Diva-in-training" and a part-time wearer of promiscuous clothing, she only stayed until the rose ceremony as a formality. I'm following the way of the producers on this one, and hoping that her profile picture and her choice of shirt will grab a few viewers on this blog.

Jillian

Jillian had potential from her profile. A few jokes, some decent answers, a brain in her head, and looks at least on par with the norm for this season. Potential, yes?

That was until they show her lifting weights and flexing. Her first impression was having Chris grab her bicep.  Do you know what's obnoxious? Men who go to the gym all day every day and go around flexing and showing their assortment of muscles I'm not even sure are supposed to exist. Do you know what else is obnoxious?

When women do literally the exact same thing.



 Jordan

 Watch for this one. Her bio says her most outrageous thing she's done is jumping off the back of a boat naked (not necessarily awful, but a warning sign), if she could be someone for a day it would be "Britney Spears because she's awesome!" (a stronger warning sign) and if she wants to impress a man she would "give him a sexy dance because it would turn him on and hopefully lead to more" (a red light if the first two were yellow). My prediction, based off the previews? Chris has an "overnight date" with her a few weeks too early, and the other girls get word and lose their minds. The girls sob, Chris repents, and the girls' desire for victory leads them to immediate forgiveness. Jordan takes the fall as the one who gets eliminated.
Kaitlyn

For you Americans out there, this is not a representation of our wonderful country, Canada. She has five tattoos, mentions Ninja Turtles in her write-up, and her first impression was a joke about "ploughing". I hope she wins so she can stay in America and stop filthing up our country.







Reegan

 Reegan has the cold-hearted face of the fight promoter for the legendary Russian fighter, Ivan Drago. Unfortunately, Chris must be a fan of Rocky, and she's been eliminated in the first round. Ro-cky! Ro-cky! Ro-cky!








Tara

"Hmm... 'I can't live without (blank).' I'm applying for The Bachelor, so I really should be honest, right? Oh boy, this is tough... I should pour another drink. Hey, wait a minute! That's it!"

-I can't live without whiskey.-

Never has the drunk trainwreck at the house been more predictably picked.




Trina


Trina's greatest fear on a date is "eating something that gives her 'di-di'." When asked what she would be if she could choose to be any fruit or vegetable, she chose the coconut because "they grow in such a beautiful, exotic yet uninhabited places. No one would ever eat me!" OK, creative answer, but it keeps going. "I would smell and taste delicious too! And I'd have lots of health benefits!" So... she wants to be a coconut because no one will eat her... and she would smell and taste delicious for the people who won't be there to see her. Plus, the health benefits would be good for the people that, again, are not eating her. I know it's a silly question and not something to read into, it just irked me.

Bachelor Stats!

-12/30 women have tattoos. There are 23 tattoos total.

-6 women listed they cannot live without mascara or some other variety of eye product

-4 women listed they hate men who text during their dates

-4 women are devoutly religious, and I believe this may play a role this season

-7 women mentioned rear-end bodily functions in their bios