Bachelor Ben: Preview

Do I feel shame for watching The Bachelor? Yes. Yes I do. But it's shame that comes with at least some degree of reason behind it. Sure, it may be rigidly formulaic and pigeonhole people into the same archetypes year after year (the drunk, the rabble-rouser, the virgin, the one with the kid, the black girl, etc.) but nevertheless the high-school girl-esque drama never ceases to entertain for at least twenty minutes of the two hour show. The dates may be worthy of fast forwarding (will this season have a reluctant girl find comfort in the bachelor's arms as they bungee jump off the bridge/gorge/tower?) but the rest of the season is so chock-full of tears and other such dramatic elements that I for one just can't look away.

So what's in store for the contestants? Will a member of a previous season make their appearance and cause trouble (pretty well every season has this, so I sure hope so)? Will it be discovered that one of the bachelorettes has a secret boyfriend at home (probably the third time now)? Will there be a drunkard that goes home in quite the state far too early (almost certainly yes, and I have my predictions!)? Well, I for one can't wait to find out.

Amanda: 
Amanda at first seems like a potentially decent pick: her occupation sounds fancy and important (esthetician) and she's pretty good looking. But, upon looking up what an esthetician is (a beautician) I'm wary they may be up-selling the profession of make-up sales clerk at Macy's. Mind you, I could be wrong - but having two kids is the deathblow.

Amber: 
Amber returns - for the second time! After getting shipped out on the third episode of Chris' season, she's giving it another shot after a failed stint on Bachelor in Paradise. Amber seems like a very pleasant person, but a little boring, a touch too old at thirty, and not quite sleazy enough for the show. Sweet, kind people (but a little bland) don't make it far here.



Becca: 
Another returning character is Becca, after having made it quite far in Chris' season but ultimately getting the axe after he discovered she just isn't very interesting.

Breanne: 
Breanne is 30, from Seattle, and will be returning there after a few short weeks with little airtime on the show. Her profile isn't crazy enough to make me think she'll warrant much interest from the producers, and she isn't good looking or young enough to make it through to the latter half of the show.




Caila:
Being half Filipino and half German/Irish/Swiss makes Caila half an average contestant for The Bachelor. It's important to remember that while the number of Asian contestants on the show are notoriously few and far between, we have had an Asian winner not too long ago. Perhaps Caila will surprise us - even if her reasoning for wanting to have three kids is "because that's the perfect amount to fit in a 5-seater car for travelling".


Emily: 
This year's crazy angle to spice things up is throwing twins into the mix! Being a twin is so critical to their importance that not only is it what they are but it's listed as their occupation in the Bachelor bio. I can't wait for whatever comical escapades having twins on the show will bring, but there sure will be a lot of "double the fun" puns to be made. Or "double trouble". Or perhaps a hilarious drinking binge of "double shots". Either way, I can't wait.

Haley: 
This year's crazy angle to spice things up is throwing twins into the mix! Being a twin is so critical to their importance that not only is it what they are but it's listed as their occupation in the Bachelor bio. I can't wait for whatever comical escapades having twins on the show will bring, but there sure will be a lot of "double the fun" puns to be made. Or "double trouble". Or perhaps a hilarious drinking binge of "double shots". Either way, I can't wait.

Izabel: 
At this point I'm beginning to realize that having their favourite movie as either The Notebook or Bridesmaids must be listed as a requirement for this program. Anyways, Izabel takes perhaps the saddest single comment in the whole list: "Honestly, I don't love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages of 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie." Just eliminate her now.

Jackie: 
Jackie is young, good looking, and a gerontologist (the study of aging) which may or may not mean sharing a booth with Amanda at Macy's depending on how the show frames their job. Either way, she seems like the "fun" archetype for the show, and with a sane profile, she's an early pick to go decently far in the competition.

Jami: 
Lets see, Jami... 23, bartender, 5'5... and what's this?! From St. Albert, Alberta, Canada!? She won't win, but I'll certainly be rooting for her.

Jennifer: 
Having two vaguely sex related answers in their bio alone means that Jennifer may be this year's skinny-dipping girl that grabs the bachelor's attention and the disgust of the rest of the house. Sure, that's a stretch to say this early, but such is the nature of predictions. Take a look at this season's villain. That may be bold, but just you wait.

Jessica: 
In spite of listening to Lil Wayne and Luke Bryan to assure she gets the worst of both worlds, her profile is inoffensive. I'm going to tentatively say I would keep my eye out for this one.

Joelle: 
Joelle seems... well, perhaps a little ditsy.
When asked if she prefers hot or cold weather: "Hot over cold. Being too cold can hurt. Lol." OK, so she said "lol" in her bio. She's not the only one.
What three people she would have dinner with: "My grandfather who has passed, Ellen DeGeneres, and Jesus." And as for what food they'd have: "PIZZA! And wine." OK, so it's an odd mix, and she'd like to have wine and pizza with Jesus, which seems a little strange. But whatever.
Her special talent: "I can make a 3-leaf clover with my tongue. Just throwing that out there." OK, Joelle, put it back in.
And if she could be someone else for a day... "Taylor swift because she's awesome and I've already thought singing country music professionally would be so much fun. Plus, she has cool friends."

I'm beginning to think The Bachelor has lowered their age requirements.

Jubilee: 
Hats off to Jubilee. She's a war vet, having seen four and a half years of active duty. But, will the American standard of patriotic respect for their soldiers overwhelm The Bachelor's consistent standard of eliminating black women by the third round of the competition time after time? It's yet to be seen.

Lace: 
Lace tells this story: "When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it. We couldn't even talk we were laughing so hard!"

Lace doesn't flush. Lace won't last. Say farewell to Lace.

Laura: 
Hmm. Laura seems well spoken and at least on the first impression pretty decent. But, she's kind of strange looking, and not specifically because of the whole ginger angle. Regardless, I bet she'll go fairly far, but won't make a push to the top four.

Lauren LB: 
Lauren will be a first round elimination, and it's not her fault. The fact of the matter is she's just not attractive enough. She'll make it to round two or three under the conditions that enough people train-wreck out on the first day and she moves through by default. Or, on the second or third week if she gives a well-timed personal story that gives her a stay of execution. The world of The Bachelor is harsh.

Lauren B: 
I'm going to casually root for Lauren B. because she's one of a precious few contestants that refrained from using emoticons, terrible grammar, and internet abbreviations in her write-up. Kudos, Lauren.

Lauren H: 
Counter to Lauren B., Lauren H. littered her bio with OMG, FML, and :(. Her profession? Kindergarten teacher. *sigh*

Lauren R: 
I'll give Lauren bonus points for being self-aware enough to comment on how her favourite movie being The Notebook is a cliche. She's also the second person that would like to have pizza with Jesus, but this time spare the wine. Apparently, the average bachelor contestant views their lord and saviour as someone they can just chill and have a beer with while hanging with Justin Timberlake and Ellen. How is that conversation supposed to go, anyways? "So, Ellen, how's the show? And Jesus, I've heard so much about you!"

Leah: 
Leah seems to have little regard for leading a life full of mistakes. Having two doves on the back of her calves that she is hoping to have lasered off, she mentions "twerking on the wall in [her] dress during [her] Bachelor interview". I have a feeling her next regret will be having that seventh vodka shot that sends her home early.

Maegan: 
Self described as "country through and through", holding the occupation of cowgirl and into whatever Red Dirt Country is, I'm beginning to think Maegan may be a farm girl type. She says she enjoys BBQing and drinking some beers but I'm almost certain she means drinkin'.

Mandi: 
I want to say Mandi will be the villain of the show. She's an "I do what I want, whenever I want" type and proud of it. But, she may sway towards the drunk archetype (assuring an early elimination before attaining villain status) due to her "tendency to drink too much". Either way, she's pigeonholed into one of the two. Personally I hope it's the latter. She seems like she would be too annoying for a full season villain.

Olivia: 
Never have I seen someone look more suited to their profession. Olivia, a news anchor, even stands like one. She seems to be lacking on the crazy side, so I'll say she'll go decently far.

Olivia: 
If you're unemployed, and The Bachelor doesn't even make up a fake title for you like "former student" or "free spirit" that means she really must have nothing going on. I sincerely doubt she's going to make it beyond the second week - and that's only if she slips past the first round eliminations.




Samantha: 
Ah, we found the smart girl. She's an attorney. She was in the top 20% of her class. She correctly said whom. I hope she butts heads with the OMG FML TTYL ROFL kindergarten teacher.

Shushanna: 
I could hardly read her profile. I couldn't stop thinking of the clip of Krusty the Clown off The Simpsons trying to pronounce the Russian singing sensation that has a similar name to this girl. I suppose if you're not a fan of the show you won't get what I mean. Anyways, one of her quotes is "at some point I stopped believing in love again" and I'm predicting one heck of a teary-eyed departure - but fairly late in the competition.

Tiara: 
Named after princess headgear, her occupation is "chicken enthusiast". It goes to show that, yes, you can be lower on the totem pole in the working world than listing yourself as "unemployed". But don't worry, she's not that different from the rest; she still loves The Notebook like everyone else.

Simpsons by the Season: Bottom Ten

"Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore."

I grew up with The Simpsons. Quotes from the show were daily (sheesh, hourly) occurrences, I always looked forward to seeing a new episode, and as I grew older I developed an even greater appreciation for the classics, once I understood the more subtle jokes in them. Having been created right around when I was born and still running today, it's been a constant in my life, albeit a less important one in the last eight or so years. That's why I can't just give up on this show, and that's why I care enough about it to force myself through watching so many seasons when I stopped really liking them quite some time ago. Seeing so many terrible episodes disgraces something that has been so enjoyable in my upbringing, and as I've argued with video games, you can get attached to the characters in television just the same way you can a good book. Watching these atrocious episodes probably stings more than it should, but I can certainly understand why it stings at all - and why I can't just turn off the T.V.. Episodes like this tarnish a legacy that I've watched grow to great heights and fall so, so rapidly.

10: The Bob Next Door
Sideshow Bob has had many top tier episodes, and we've all come to accept that at the core of them he's trying to murder a ten year old. It's dark, but it's oddly acceptably dark. He has never actually killed anyone, and more importantly, he has never surgically removed his own face and that of someone else and switched them. Since I was ten, I have always thought: "Man, I hope he never robs a face. That would be needlessly gruesome and far too ridiculous for a show that's at least somewhat grounded in reality." You could imagine my disappointment when it happened.

9: Pray Anything
In season four, Homer stays home from church and it's a major point of contention between him and Marge. In season fourteen, he sues the church for a million dollars (which it can't pay) and thus takes it over, using a crucifix as an air guitar, drinking booze from a chalice, playing strip poker on the front lawn, and throwing a beer keg through the stained glass windows. It's a nice contrast for the degradation of the characters over the years.

8: Simpsons Safari
What an absolute mess. The Simpsons go to Africa, and after being chased by a hippo, they stumble upon a Jane Goodall type, but discover that she's actually using the chimps she's harbouring to mine diamonds. In the end they take the diamonds in exchange for their silence. It's atrocious on all fronts; it's never funny, it's far too ridiculous, and once again the family is a bunch of jerks.

7: Kill the Alligator and Run
The Simpsons become fugitives after killing an alligator, and... well, that alone should be enough to warrant a bottom ten placement. It just gets worse from there, with the whole episode being disjointed and poorly strung together. The entire family having to pack up and live a life as hillbillies running from the law is one of the stupidest plotlines of the series. But hey... a Kid Rock guest appearance. Who doesn't love Kid Rock? ...Right?

6: The Frying Game
If you can't remember the plot for this episode it's probably because there were seven of them slammed into one twenty-two minute segment. 1. Homer buys Marge a koi pond 2. They find a screamapillar, and must protect it as it's nearly extinct 3. Homer and Marge have to join Meals on Wheels 4. Homer and Marge become housecleaners for an old lady 5. They witness a break-and-enter and a murder that follows 6. Homer, a suspect for the murder, extorts the town with fear tactics 7. Homer and Marge are convicted of murder - but wait - it's all a joke! It's a game show! Haha!

The whole episode feels like it was written in one sitting by seven different people, none of which were communicating with each other. There's no cohesive plot, no laughs, and no semblance of reality in this godforsaken heap. Call Ray Patterson - clean this up.

5: Moe Goes From Rags to Riches
There are certain ideas for episodes that were doomed from their very inception. Moe being best friends with his bar rag which, as it turns out, is a sentient being that has been "living" through centuries before finding itself in Moe's care is not, under any circumstances, going to work.

4: Lisa the Drama Queen
Lisa finds a friend who brings her into a different reality, full of elves, trolls and other fantastical creatures. Why they would add a character that's somehow more pretentious than past-ten-seasons Lisa is beyond me. This episode is above all else simply boring. It'll leave you with yawns - angry yawns.

3: Saddlesore Galactica
Homer and Bart getting a tough-as-nails racehorse is a stupid enough plot as it is, but then discovering a secret society of jockeys (that are also elves) pushes me just too far. Homer falling into their jockey world is the second worst single moment of the series (the worst is in number one on the bottom ten list) in an episode that's irredeemable anyways.

2: The Man who Came to Dinner
There are a number of episodes in this list that I can't tell for sure if they're actually part of the Simpsons universe. Sideshow Bob stealing someone's face I assume is happening in reality, regardless of how impossible. Moe's bar rag? That one is a toss-up. The land of the jockeys? Probably real, I assume? But this episode - the most recent on the list - has Kang and Kodos abduct the Simpson family and bring them back to their homeworld. It's by far the stupidest episode they've done, and have stolen the aliens from their Halloween exclusive episodes where they so, so obviously belong. The entire episode is an atrocity, right down to the ending with Maggie flying the family back to Earth in a spaceship.

1: Homer vs. Dignity
What in the world were they thinking when they decided they would take one of their beloved characters and degrade him as much as possible for the purposes of an episode? The entire plot is Homer being a prank-monkey for Mr. Burns, lowering himself in a variety of ways for money. Homer getting sexually assaulted by a panda is the second worst thing to happen in this, and the worst (and the worst of the whole series!) is Homer sitting on the men's room floor in a diaper saying "baby made a boom-boom" for the amusement of Mr. Burns. There is nothing worse than that. There is no episode that even comes close.

Dishonourable Mentions:
"The Fool Monty"
"Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em"
"Mom and Pop Art"
"Mona Leaves-a"
"Gone, Maggie, Gone"

Simpsons by the Season: Top Ten

"Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh... the things?"

To preface this blog post I will point out the top ten all come from seasons three to eight, the sacred halls of The Simpsons in which the show could do no wrong. It won't be long now that those times will be two decades past with the show still plugging along, having lost it's relevance, quotability and more often than not, it's humour. But this isn't a time for complaint, but rather a time for craning your neck up in non-shame, reliving the best of the best. It's no easy feat - finding ten classic episodes could be as easy as randomly selecting a patch from season four, but selecting only the top of these strips so many greats that deserve more credit. Sideshow Bob alone could account for half the list with Krusty taking the remainder and it wouldn't be too unreasonable. Nevertheless, here's my attempt, and since it's the internet what better way to do it than to list them in a top ten format where it's likely this first paragraph gets skipped and all the more likely that only the titles of the episodes are read.

If you've made it this far, kudos.

10: Homer's Enemy

Here's the difference between the cynical episodes of old and new. Homer remains a good person. Frank Grimes has a brutal life and ends up finding his end after a fit of rage towards the carefree, coast-through-life style of Homer Simpson, but ultimately Homer doesn't do anything to hurt Frank; at least not deliberately. He tries to befriend him, he's scared of going to work because of him, he's intimidated by him, and while he may be inconsiderate it's out of boorishness and never cruelty. It's a stark contrast to nowadays Homer in which he's grifting, thieving or otherwise. That's the reason why a darker episode in the series worked in the golden years and why they don't work today.

9: Homer Bad Man
For pure comedy this is quietly one of the best episodes of the series. You won't see it on many top ten lists but it's certainly deserving of high praise when high praise is all that came towards the series. It's consistently funny, the story is entertaining, and the Rock Bottom segment is one of the single funniest stretches in the shows long run.

8: The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show
Well, all of these episodes are hilarious so I might as well stop pointing that out every time. The introduction of Poochie comes in the eighth season of the show, around the time that if a show has lasted that long it's at the point where it's dragging its body across the finish line after having lost most if it's viewers. The whole episode is not only smart enough to poke fun at this but they do so knowing how good the show still is. Sadly, it's season nine that starts the decline. Perhaps they got cocky. Nevertheless, it's The Simpsons in a beautiful state.

7: Sideshow Bob Roberts
The Simpsons can occasionally take on political episodes so well they're the highlight of the season. We've seen it in "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington", a contender for the top ten, and now we see it mixing with one of the greatest of the Simpsons characters. The reason this episode takes the cake are quotations like this one that riddle the episode: "Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king." It shows The Simpsons is more than just a regular cartoon comedy - it's much smarter than the norm.


6: Marge vs. The Monorail
It's sixth place on the list and third in it's season. The fourth season of the show is so stunningly good that the hilarious appearance of Phil Hartman can't even bring it to the top.

5: Homer at the Bat 

This episode didn't even make it to the top of season three, which attests to just how strong a season it was. The entire episode - the story, the humour, the animation (Mr. Burns' hand signals and Homer swinging at the baseball in slow motion spring to mind) - all culminate into a classic. Ask any good Simpsons fan to recite the "Talkin' Softball" song that plays at the end, and they'll probably repeat it verbatim. Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw... Steve Sax and his run in with the law.... We're talkin' Hoooooomer... Ozzie and the Straw!

4: You Only Move Twice

Considering how well received this episode is amongst Simpsons fanatics, I'm surprised Hank Scorpio has only one appearance in the series. In a way I'm glad he hasn't - his story only needs to be a one episode arc, and we can all rest peacefully knowing that the Globex Corporation is likely sort of running the Simpsons' world by now. It's refreshing considering every movie that did more than break even in the last ten years is finding a sequel, no matter how unnecessary. I'm looking at you, The Hangover. I'm also looking at you, The Hangover II. 

3: Radio Bart

Prior to seeing this episode on my extensive re-watch, I wouldn't have put it anywhere near the top ten. I felt it was just another classic amidst a number of other classics, but it's a solid step above. Just think of how many great moments: the birthday celebration at Wal-E-Weasel, the "Sending our Love Down the Well" song, the great visual gag of Willie revealing he's super jacked, and of course the core story of Bart being a practical joker but ultimately getting his comeuppance. It has all the makings of a top tier episode and it deserves it's spot. It's a near flawless episode. 

2: Homer the Heretic
Back in the day when the Simpsons went to church and Homer went to work, staying home from either was kind of a big deal. "I'm whizzing with the door open... and I love it!" is to this day a frequently quoted line in my house. It never gets old. Better yet, the whole episode is filled with quick wit that shows the characters can lead an episode and not just what's happening around them.

1: Krusty Gets Kancelled
It takes a lot to make it to the number one spot in the series, but the countless mega guest stars, the great plot, Krusty being at his finest and more great lines than most shows have in their whole seasons, "Krusty Gets Kancelled" takes the cake. Krusty deserves it anyways. He's the most consistent of all the Simpsons characters.

Honourable Mentions:
"The Homer They Fall"
"Mr. Plow"
"The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson"
"Cape Fear"
"Homer the Great"
"The Last Temptation of Krust"

Simpsons by the Season: 26

"You know what we should really thank for our success? Lower standards."

It's the last season before catching up with the present day, which means this project I've started about ten months ago is finally coming to a close. Twenty six seasons later, I've seen it through it's inception, the golden years, the shockingly fast descent, a brief half-resurgence (at least in comparison) and another sharp decline. I haven't been enjoying the episodes for a while now, and, as you can see by the increased length between posts, it's becoming more of a chore than anything. Rather than feeling the satisfaction of completing a task, it's closer to being put out of my misery.

I had thought the series had hit somewhat of an end of history, descending into mostly tame episodes that are rather run of the mill and inoffensive; finally all dust and embers of it's once roaring fire. It's the way the show had been turning for the past while, and I foolishly thought the trend would continue. Oh boy. If only. While the mistakes are plenty, the theme of the errors this time around are simple; it all comes down to laziness.

More than ever, things feel loosely strung together as the episodes fail to reach a cohesive story. Guest stars come and go for seemingly no reason: Pharrell Williams just happens to be in Springfield without explanation; Elon Musk descends from a futuristic spaceship mostly just because. The effort in the writing in at least having a reason for the guest spots is shot, but that's not the only mistake here. Frequently the show feels like a pieced together variety hour with plots that come and go with only a tenuous link to the main story. The appearance of Elon Musk's spaceship (I can't believe that sentence has to do with a Simpsons episode) ends a segment of the show where the family captures an eagle - a segment that has nothing to do with the rest of the show but nevertheless takes up a good part of the beginning of the program. A similar idea occurs in an episode called "Sky Police" that has Clancy find a jet-pack to better monitor the town before crashing it into the church - where the plot goes to a gambling scheme. But what about the whole sky police angle of which the episode is named? Well, when Clancy said "this is the end of sky police" - only three minutes and fifteen seconds into the episode I might add. I guess that was the end of that plotline entirely. Even the endings of episodes have moments that appear tacked on just to fill space when they couldn't make up the entire twenty-one minutes. One ends with "The Simpsons Post-show Jug Band", which is entirely as it sounds; another is just a drug fueled trip from Otto. Neither is funny. Both are pointless. It plays like it's written by a child that's on a sugar-high.


The rest of the season is filled with what I've come to expect from the past few sets. Absurd storylines (Kang and Kodos are real, apparently), changes of character (just one off lines like "that's where I used to grow my weed, but that's a story for another day" tend to upset me - and by the way, Marge said that), and repeated stories (Homer and a rag-tag band he puts together become wildly popular, and Apu finds centre stage - but this time he doesn't change his last name to de Beaumarchais). They might as well just keep making seasons now, as long as it's making them money. What have they got to lose? It's no longer a cultural phenomenon; no one talks about The Simpsons anymore, and spouting quotes from the series stops beyond season eight. It's no longer well received or respected, as that died out long ago. So many of the writers have long since left, and they very nearly lost Harry Shearer. They said they wouldn't do a movie, but of course that didn't last. That would have required some integrity left in the show. Groening removed his name from the episode when they did a crossover with The Critic from the sixth season (pointing out The Critic has "nothing to do with the Simpsons' world" and "it violate[d] the Simpsons' universe"), and now they've done one with Futurama and allowed their characters to appear on a Family Guy crossover episode, the twisting of the knife in my side. I suppose it doesn't even matter when they stop now. To quote the show from a better time...

Stop, stop, it's already dead!

Best Quotes:
"Remember: we're parked in the ethnic princess section."
-Marge at a Disneyland-esque place

"We will always remember your countless appearances on the Krusty the Clown Show... and your one appearance on To Catch a Predator."
-Krusty getting roasted

"You don't have to announce it. Just do it quietly and blame the dog."
-Homer

Best Episode:
It's always safe to go with Krusty. "Clown in the Dumps", in which Krusty's dad dies, has a few pretty big laughs and a story that isn't total nonsense. Nowadays that counts as the default victory.

Worst Episode:
"The Man Who Came to Dinner" has the family visit the home planet of Kang and Kodos, the Halloween episode favourites. The quote "are we truly in space? And if so, why?" rings far too true. Maggie flying them home in a spaceship was taking the knife that was twisted in the Family Guy crossover and giving it serrated teeth. Bottom ten material, right here. A fitting way to end it.

Simpsons by the Season: 25

"That's the great thing about art - everyone can have their own opinion about why it sucks."

This season is in many ways a carbon copy of the previous. For the most part it's simply bland, the episodes drifting into one another without ever really catching. There are only a handful of truly offensive episodes (I'll detail those towards the end, as two split the coveted worst episode of the season award) but just as scarce are the good ones. The minds behind The Simpsons must have decided that to prolong the longevity of the series they will churn out episodes that aren't going to enrage the viewer (who is far more loyal than they deserve) but will instead placate them with mediocrity. Viewers won't be up in arms, so they'll probably grudgingly return to the television to pay homage to a fallen great. After all, you can't say you've watched the entire series while skipping season 25. 

The identical feelings at the end of season 24 and 25 I believe may have signified the end of change in the series, settling into a permanent lull. It won't change now. It doesn't go from fantastic quality, to low quality, to ridiculous, to tame and then back to something previously; it'll stay at tame as tame is safe. Low effort, low quality (but not bottoming out quality) will bring in enough viewers to keep the propped up, rotting corpse of the series alive for another day. It's the end of the line. 26 won't be better or worse, and neither will 27. The show has flatlined a hair above being legally declared deceased. Of course, it's still better than the death spiral of 15-18 (give or take) in which the show bottomed out, but being on life support after it's heart attack is such a sorry state.

Don't get me wrong, the show still has its periodic ups and downs (occasional heartbeats and seizures, if we're continuing on the hospital metaphor) but they're few and far between. There are two pretty decent episodes in "Specs and the City" (the Simpsons' version of Google Glass comes to Springfield) and "Steal This Episode" (their take on internet privacy), and about four terrible ones. "Days of Future Future" is an absolutely nonsensical mess with Homer being cloned, and then it's in the future and there's zombies, and... all I know is it wasn't a Halloween episode. "The Man Who Grew Too Much" has Sideshow Bob splice genes of animals to make himself super-human. "You Don't Have to Live Like a Referee" has Homer officiating the World Cup. Homer and Bart get back at Skinner through a prank, telling him his mother has been murdered and he was the main suspect, but they'll help him get rid of her corpse by chopping it into pieces in "Yellow Subterfuge".


Sigh.

Fortunately, those four messes make up only a fraction of the season, so it's mostly watchable. Anger has subsided and it's been replaced by boredom. Just as long as it's still on the air, right?

Best Episode:

"Steal This Episode" takes the cake, as it delivered a fairly even handed approach to internet privacy. Sure, it's low hanging fruit, but they tackled it well.

Worst Episode:

I've already described them, but Homer being a World Cup referee is so bafflingly stupid it's too difficult to ignore. However, "Days of Future Future" is such a pieced together trainwreck it might, somehow, be worse.

Best Quotes:

"Eduardo Barcelona, or in english, Eddy Miami." 
-Homer's Brazilian pen-pal

"Nelson, you frighten me so, 
the psychoest bully I know,
you're a sociopath,
in need of a bath, 
I'm sure you'll end up on death row"
-Bart's valentine for Nelson

"I'll never experience the ultimate reward for a life well lived: the gentle slumber of death."
-Homer living in a dream world

Steve Jobs: Movie Review

Yesterday I went to see the Steve Jobs biopic with high hopes; it's been getting fairly solid reviews, it's about an incredibly interesting person, and the movie is Ashton Kutcher free, all totaling in a surefire recipe for success. Or so I would have thought. I couldn't help feel a little disappointed by the movie, and I believe a large part of that stems from having read his biography and remembering a number of the more interesting details of Jobs' life that were either glossed over or entirely ignored.

For the most part it felt like I had just watched the second installment of a three part series. The choice to present the movie in the fashion of three separate acts certainly allows it to delve more deeply in the details of those specific parts, and through that focus on Jobs' character. However, it skips some of the most memorable (and I would say most interesting) times of his life, and only selecting a sparse number of specific scenes hardly does justice to someone whose influence stretched decades. Starting his business in a garage with Wozniak is mentioned but only in brief. The creation of the iPod is only alluded to with a conversation with his daughter saying "I'll put 1,000 songs in your pocket." His untimely death which came upon him through neglecting his health in his famous Jobs' style of believing he can cure his own cancer with his dietary choices isn't shown nor mentioned as the film ends upon the release of the iMac. Through this it becomes an entertaining movie about a man, as it will certainly grab your attention through a number of excellent scenes with fast-paced, heated conversations but I cannot say it does more than scratch the surface on who Steve Jobs actually was.

He's painted as a self-centered jerk, and, let's not forget, it's easy to argue that he was. But he was much more than that - his wild eccentricities hardly make it through, save for one scene with him washing his feet in a toilet. Times when he would go to meetings without shoes or without having used any deodorant because he believed his all carrot and apple diet would cure him of any foul things in his body (all that is true) simply didn't make it to the screen. He was so overly emotional that he on more than one occasion would be crying at work and frequently so astoundingly cruel that he would make others shed those tears as well, but that was hardly touched. I mean, he loved acid and was about as close to being a hippie as a massively successful businessman can be, but you really just see him as a man in a suit who just happens to be obsessive and rude. Why then remove those scenes when they could have both added such depth to his character while making great cinematic moments? It seemed the purpose of the movie was to humanize him, but much of the greatness (or the opposite depending on how you see it) came through the ways in which he wasn't. His craziness - and there are few other words for it - are what made him. Yes, they show him to be a perfectionist but much in the same ways as many ordinary people are, and for better or worse, Steve Jobs was anything but the norm.

Perhaps more could have been shown if they had removed at least some of the conversations with his frumpy and annoying mother of his first child (Chrisann Brennan) and the child herself (Lisa Brennan) who as the movie progresses turns from adorable to, well, frumpy and annoying as well. Steve Jobs lags behind when he speaks with Chrisann at length about not accepting Lisa, and I assure you, those conversations happen far too frequently. Nearly half the movie is spent on Chrisann and his daughter, and each time they returned I would long for the talk about the company or computers. The legacy of Steve Jobs has little do with his relationships outside of work, but are instead a mere footnote that reflects his character and attitude. I would rather have seen his battles with Disney and fighting for Pixar than fighting over his daughter, or see more of his presentations rather than arguments with her mother.

If you go in completely cold to this movie without any prior knowledge, by the end you wouldn't even be sure exactly what Steve Jobs did. There's a conversation between Steve Wozniak and Jobs about what the latter actually does and Wozniak accuses him of contributing pretty much nothing. Jobs replies with a metaphor comparing himself to the conductor of an orchestra, which, in all fairness, is true - but the movie does little more than show him as a mostly useless cog in a machine that functions just as well without him. Perhaps he wasn't an incredible programmer, but his talents in leadership were second to none, even if he was at times agonizing to deal with personally. Watch the movie and you'll see him make a few costly decisions and little more, save for finding success while seemingly not adding much to the table. Jobs leads the presentations but they hardly touch on how effective he was in doing so. He was passionate about his ideas and demanded perfection, but frequently they only showcased those examples that led to failure.

This movie can hardly call itself Steve Jobs, as A Few Select Anecdotes About Steve Jobs would be more accurate. It's an entertaining enough movie; the acting is strong and the conversations are engaging. However, so much of it feels like a missed opportunity as time and time again Jobs is misrepresented and dulled from how he truly acted - again - for better or worse.

Simpsons by the Season: 24

"There's like eight amazing shows, none of them on Fox."

At the end of the last blog post I made a plea for sanity in The Simpsons, claiming that when the show holds onto reality it's infinitely more entertaining than when it gets completely lost. This season, in a refreshing fashion, actually holds to that - the over-the-top absurd moments are few and far between, and while they still exist (Reverend Lovejoy literally boring frogs to death in "Pulpit Friction") the season is much more tolerable than others due to the fact that most episodes have a straightforward plot that doesn't go insane two-thirds of the episode through. 

Sadly, that isn't to say it was a success of a season, but more of a stay from absolute travesty. Many of the same issues in previous seasons creep up, but they're just not quite as pervasive as they have been. Homer's a jerk in "A Test Before Trying" where he puts up a parking meter to scam people out of pocket change, but at least it's a side-story and not the main. Episodes are rehashed or merged, like in "Whiskey Business" - Moe gains confidence through wearing a specific suit (not Marge's Chanel one though!) and it turns out he can make a phenomenal drink (but gained his popularity in a different way than through his Flaming Moe). Continuity errors still come through, with Bart pretending to be a great piano player in "The Fabulous Faker Boy" (they reference him never having any musical talent, forgetting he surpassed Lisa's success in jazz through drumming a few seasons ago) and "The Saga of Carl" in which Carl's adopted Icelandic heritage is revealed, which just raises countless questions considering Lenny, Homer and himself have been friends since childhood. But, I'll be realistic here, and realize that in the grand scheme of things these are relatively small errors or oversights, and the weakness of the season doesn't lie there.

The problem with this stretch is a lot harder to pinpoint. It's hard to say "this just has to be funnier" and leave it at that, but that's really the core of the problem. The humour just isn't there anymore, lacking the cleverness and wit of previous seasons and replacing it with jokes that feel more like they're just going through the motions. They can hardly fill a full episode slot anymore, as if it's becoming too hard for them to do so. The couch gags are getting longer and longer, and twice this season they had two minute segments at the end of episodes that are complete non sequiturs. One had Mr. Burns explaining the "fiscal cliff" premise and the other was a clip about... I don't know, advertising characters doing something. It was a total mess. It's not that those clips are the worst parts of the season, but it's indicative of a greater problem; they're so low on ideas that they literally can't fill the entire show up before having to switch thoughts to something else. It's like the show itself is battling with attention deficit.

While this isn't the worst season by a longshot, there's little to report that's positive except for the moderate absences of negatives. While few moments or episodes really stuck, there wasn't anything that made me as violently angry (I may take the series a little too seriously at times). So, take it as you will. Is The Simpsons best served lukewarm now? Perhaps that's the truth.

Best Quotes:
"A kid's never lonely when he has balogna! Except me." 
-Milhouse

"Emergency meeting in the faculty lounge. BYOB." 
-Chalmers to Edna

"Nah, it's a 44 long. I wear a 38 hunched." 
-Moe, shopping for a suit

"My gay dad is gay for gays."
-Homer about Abe

Best Episode:
"The Day the Earth Stood Cool" is probably the best episode of the season. It pokes some easy fun at hipsters but it does a pretty decent job of doing so.

Worst Episode:
"A Tree Grows in Springfield" has a message of "hope" written into a tree in the backyard of the Simpsons' house. It's essentially the episode with the angel all over again, and not much better. This is also one of the episodes with the two minute segment at the end that has nothing to do with the episode itself. 

Simpsons by the Season: 23

"Everything's perfect about the past, except how it led to the present."

I was feeling pretty smug at the start of this season, thinking I had it all figured out - the series dips terribly in the middle but they sort of start to figure it out towards the most recent. At least here and there they start having a few episodes, and there's this distinct possibility of having a solid, cohesive season. By about eight episodes in, right after seeing "The Ten Per Cent Solution" in which Joan Rivers is Krusty's old agent, I felt more correct than ever. There were a few duds early, but a third of the way through I was feeling like the series was finally turning it around. Unfortunately, at episode eight, it was not only the last good episode of the season but the last passable one.

The reason for the early praise on my part is the quality of two in particular; "The Ten Per Cent Solution" is excellent, and "Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts" is also top notch. In fact, they're the best in - perhaps literally - a decade, and it's not hard to see why. "Bart Stops" is a clever idea that fits with the characters; Chalmers appeals to Bart by showing him the manly side of history in Roosevelt, in spite of the man's name being Teddy. They tie in a smartly placed commentary on the school system being soft. Bart isn't a piece of garbage! "Ten Per Cent Solution" follows much the same way, with Krusty being classic Krusty. It doesn't get ridiculous. It's coherent. It's funny. Unfortunately, that couldn't be said for the last two thirds of the season. 

I believe most of the problems stem from the main themes of the episodes being noticeably worse, and because of that it's missing an edge. You can see perhaps more clearly than ever that the episode ideas are not coming as fast and loose as they used to, and the show is falling back on two main plans in order to prop the show up Weekend at Bernie's style. One, they have amped up the craziness, but that's been climbing steadily for years now. Second, and this is at least somewhat new, they're relying more frequently on whole episode-long parodies - picking out movies of (then) recent popularity and basing whole episode arcs on them. This season we have "The Book Job" (parodying the Ocean's series), "The D'ohcial Network" (The Social Network), "How I Wet Your Mother" (an extended scene has the family enter Homer's dreams Inception style, which also covers the ridiculous premise category quite nicely) and the Halloween special had two with Dexter and Avatar. Picking up someone else's plot has proven easier than creating their own. That being said, they're not necessarily bad episodes, but it's indicative of greater problems if they have to reach that far for more ideas. Perhaps it's not their fault, considering it's been over twenty seasons, but I won't feel sympathy for them when it's their choice to continue the series. 

I know it must be hard now with this season hitting its five-hundredth episode, but once more I'll plea to the Simpsons to keep reason and sanity within their program. Their good episodes this season, or at least the decent ones, are all plausible. "The Falcon and the D'ohman" is mostly reasonable (until the very end, as it takes a poor turn) and it's not a bad episode. Same with the two mentioned before, as well as "The Food Wife" (the family, save for Homer, create a food blog which works quite well until, as many other episodes, it loses touch with reality in the end and falls to pieces) and "The Book Job" in which they take a few fairly funny shots at young adult literature - a parody plot but one that holds up fairly well. 

But the poor episodes? Homer helps to choose the candidate for the republican party. The Simpsons get banished from Springfield until the whole town comes to join them (also not ending the episode reasonably). Bart tricks a whole cruise liner into believing the world has collapsed around them (and ends the episode with the Simpsons being banished in Antarctica with a bunch of penguins). A wave of robots turns on humanity and Springfield fights them in hand-to-hand combat. They just can't pull off stupid very well, and if they're to pull off a legitimately good season, they need to stop trying to.

Best Episode:

I won't describe them once more, but I'll give it a draw between "Ten Per Cent Solution" and "Bart Stops to Smell the Roosevelts". 

Worst Episode:

Speaking of the stupid and ridiculous, we have a contender for the coveted "worst episode ever" title. In "Moe Goes From Rags to Riches", we discover Moe's Bar rag has a storied history going back hundreds of years. It's actually some sort of sentient being. I would honestly prefer the episode to be written by a rag itself, as a blank screen would have been preferable. Once more I have to ask - is this canon? Does Moe's rag really have a story behind it?

"Holidays of Future Passed" also deserves a mention. Yet another unbearable episode based about the family's future, it makes less sense than ever. Once more desperately trying to bring Halloween themed episodes into the actual world. Right when the trees started talking I almost called it quits. 

Best Quotes:

"Roosevelt killed more Spaniards in one day than most people have in their whole lives!"

-Bart, finally interested in history

"When a man who loves America cries, that makes him super straight!"

-Lenny on Homer's American passion

A Tale of SimCity: Part 2 - Coming and Going

The past five days since the last entry in have been an uncomfortably number of hours spent on SimCity. The addiction I've been coming to grips with is if something that, if it had continued for long enough, would have probably left me at the centre of a large circle of friends and family concerned about my well being. It's the most fun I've had playing a video game in a while, and man, I was getting good. My cities flourished. I was rich beyond reason. I had the wealth of Mr. Burns but with the heart of post-lesson-learned-Grinch. Then, in amidst all of the addiction that unheralded joy that the game brought me, something clicked. I closed out of the game and I sincerely doubt I'll return for months, or years, or ever, quite frankly.

Upon realizing that Gopher Heap was a colossal failure of a town, I sought out a new region and began anew, in the fittingly named city of "Redemption." It was stripped of all the things that made Gopher Heap fail - reckless spending, poor city planning, and a deep-seated hatred of my own citizens. I was patient, careful not to overextend, and decided on such brilliant maneuvers as placing the dump a sizeable distance away from both my water supply and my residential segments. For one reason or another, the populace seemed to agree that a one minute trip to the dump was a small price to pay for a town that didn't literally smell like crap.

I was making, as the younger civilians in the town called it, fat stacks. But my people were uneducated, and due to the woefully tiny map sizes, I was forced to move to greener pastures - more-so just to give something new a shot. And that is when the game both got exceptionally exciting and very frustrating.

I made a number of cities of various success, and it really came down to one major factor; if I did horrible things to mother nature and kept my population at an elementary school learning level, I would be making a lot of money. Education is expensive, and digging up the right rocks sells for a heck of a lot. So I would make mining community after mining community, all of which were making millions in incredible speeds, but every time I tried something else they would fall flat on their face. A tourist city I made used the resources stripped from the ground to pay for the tourism buildings, which, while mildly successful, did little more than pay for themselves. A city built on education and high wealth residential could hardly get itself out of the red, proving that in both real life and SimCity, a university degree means you'll make less than the guy on the rigs, but will give you a false sense of superiority. Trying to make a manufacturing city, taking those resources and making them into something, meant that I ran out of space so quickly after using supplemental income from successful mining towns that I had the entire map filled literally before I let people move in. It was in creating the final town that I decided to call it quits - I felt like I had done everything there was to do (which, I'll admit, was a lot) and until they make a larger map size in order to actually trade resources between the towns effectively and let me try something more than just repeatedly drilling into the Earth's face, I simply wasn't interested anymore.

So sorry, Jack Maximum, I won't be able to find the right town for you. Turns out you'll just have to burn all your books and become a rigger. That might not be all that bad, but that was when I discovered Origin (the conglomerate that gave me The Sims 2 for free some time after purchasing SimCity) upgraded The Sims to something I no longer understand, deleting Jack Maximum in the process somehow. So somewhere, buried with universities and tourist attractions that provide no income, lies Jack.

Two Mildly Depressing Non-Fiction Books: Part 2

The Sports Gene: Inside the Science of Extraordinary Athletic Performance
-by David Epstein

We grow up with the notion that if we set our minds to it we can do anything. The nature vs. nurture argument tends to sway towards the latter, because the former would cause us all to just give up and pack it in if we don't have all the right genes in all the right places. But here's the thing; we learn as we get older that we may not be as quick witted as others, or we learn at a slower pace, or that in spite of studying hard we fall short of the pack. Unfortunately for us (unless some Olympian is secretly reading my blog) the same works for physical pursuits, and from birth we were doomed to fall short of the top of the heap. David Epstein, a former Sports Illustrated writer, delves into the science behind the best of the best and just why they're so far above the lowly masses doomed to mid-level soccer in Edmonton (sorry, that got personal).

There are a few obvious examples to show how genetics can play a role in sports, and one needs to look no further than basketball. If you're above a certain height (a height that is rare enough you garner looks on the street) your chances of joining the NBA rise exponentially. This is no news - but what about a sport where no one obvious physical trait would make a great player? Let's hop on the current Blue Jays bandwagon as so many others have, don a crisp, previously unworn Jays hat and pretend we know something about baseball. But let's talk about Barry Bonds, because like most bandwagoners, I can't name a Toronto player either. He may have shown us that size certainly helps, and strength is something that falls more on the nurture side of things - we can all technically become strong, but we can't all become tall. No amount of steroids that I know of are going to push Barry up to stand eye to eye with Yao Ming.  So is baseball a sport that is the great equalizer, requiring no genetic gifts? Unfortunately, no, and I don't believe one exists. Baseball requires from birth bonuses to find success just like anything else.

Baseball players can - quite literally - see better than the rest of us. A great number of them have actually much higher than 20/20 vision, and a disproportionately high number have vision that's pushing the limits on just how well human beings can see. This is critically important because baseball isn't about a batter reacting to the ball coming at him, seeing where it's going to go, and hitting it - if that were the case it would be impossible. The ball is moving at almost a hundred miles an hour and getting there in a fraction of a second. That pushes well past the limits on how quickly a human can react, let alone hit the ball out of the park. The key is to know where the ball's going right as it's leaving the hand of the pitcher. This is where sight comes in; the batters can see things others with lower vision can't, like the pattern on the ball as it's coming towards them (indicating the variety of pitch and the level of spin) and the pitcher's hand placement (much the same). Someone with lower levels of vision just can't do that, but someone with 20/10 certainly can. That being said, practice obviously comes massively into play - they still can't react fast enough, but react intuitively after learning how the ball will likely move. It's not a conscious thing as there's simply no time for that, so a batter will hit the ball through knowing how it will move from countless experiences in the past. So in a nutshell: if your eyesight is bad, good luck, but if your eyesight is flawless, after hours and hours of practice in what has to be the most mind-numbingly boring sport out there, you have a shot at reaching the majors.

Pretty well everything that is physical will find some people excelling and others coming up short. The size of our heart and lungs vary. The amount of red blood cells and the hemoglobin within them is different from person to person. The kinds of muscles we have cause variation in our running ability as well. But what if we simply train harder than the rest? What if we make up for a lack of genetics by pushing harder at every turn and making up for our crappy DNA by blood, sweat and tears (but mostly sweat)? Well... that may not pan out either. As it turns out our physiology doesn't really throw us a bone in that regard.

Let's say we take two runners of presently equal ability. They each train equally, eat with similar diets and have no advantages in bone structure or all that. What can very easily happen is one of those two gets in much better shape simply because of his genetic material going the extra mile for him, as our bodies respond to training at wildly different speeds. To become the very best - and I mean record breaking - you must possess a perfect storm of traits: a willingness to train intensely (don't forget, even those that are genetically gifted need to train), a body with an ability to receive the benefits from that training quickly and effectively, and a body type that lends itself to the sport you're pursuing. You have to win the lottery not once but three times consecutively - but if your parents were both Olympians you're bound to be holding a heck of a lot of tickets.

There's also one more thing that will certainly help you out along the way, and no, it's not just being male (although skeletal structure and levels of natural fatty tissue pretty well ruins you - sorry, women of the world). It's a little more controversial, even though it absolutely shouldn't be. If you want to run well, which helps in gosh darn nearly every sport you can think of...

It would certainly help if you're black.

Kenyans dominate long distance running to an incredible degree. For a relatively small population they have a staggering number of medals. In addition to being in an elevation "sweet spot" where levels of oxygen are perfect for long distance running training, they have a body type that perfectly suits long distance running - thin lower legs. If you're wondering why that makes a difference, think of it like this; if you hold a book in your hand and hold your arm way out wide, you'll tire very quickly. If you tape it to your body up near your shoulder, you'll be able to hold out much longer. The same premise works for legs - a weight on the lowest part of your body will have a much, much greater effect than, say, a heavy belt.

When it comes right down to it, training and effort seems to account for half of the final sum. Maybe this doesn't depress you. Maybe you think, hey, we get to see people that are hardly human in their ability due to a spectacular mix of chance and opportunity mixed with a great degree of effort. But for me, at least, I can't help but feel that little twinge of frustration thinking what could have been if only I had been spectacularly lucky. At least that's what I'll blame it on the next time I get cut from a team.

Two Mildly Depressing Non-Fiction Books: Part 1

Salt Sugar Fat: Michael Moss

It's no secret North America might be packing on an extra couple pounds. Somewhere around one in four Canadians are obese, with Americans even higher. Mind you, that's one of those statistics that's somewhat misleading; the literal definition of obese is much lower than what we'd think, with obese closer to what we'd call "pretty fat". Nevertheless, it's one of the largest risks to our collective chubby hearts and souls. "Salt Sugar Fat" details the rise of the processed food industry, and just why it's so common for us to be struggling with our ever increasing bellies. But that in itself isn't what's so distressing; throughout the book you realize just how stacked against you the odds are, from how they make it so irresistible to the cravings that are there naturally to the convenience of it all.

First: our bodies really, really enjoy the taste of sugar, which should feel like a freebie but it's even more than you would think. We love it from literally the very first moments of our lives, as when we put a tiny amount of sugar on the tongue of an infant they'll light up right away. It's hardwired in our system. How much we enjoy is a bit of a different story, and finding the point where we feel something is too sweet is a science in and of itself. The major food companies have shocking numbers of scientists working on this, to find what they describe as the "bliss point", the peak level of enjoyment of sugar that doesn't cross over to being too sweet. That's why sugary treats taste as incredible as they do - they know exactly what you want, and they'll cater it directly for you. They'll even know how much you want according to your age and race, as well. It's not only a science, but they've worked it down to an exact one, and it's up to you to take those perfect, designed for pleasure pieces of sugar and deny your access to them.

But it's not just sugar.

Fat works in much the same way, and we crave it about as strongly as we do sweets. The "bliss point" for fat is also staggeringly high, allowing food producers to really amp it up to make their wares all the more attractive. Eventually it gets to the point where we won't want to eat it if it becomes too fatty (maybe it's a shame and not a taste thing) but there's a wonderful way that they've fixed that problem. If you pair sugar with the fat, that fatty "bliss point" moves on up, allowing it to become this unholy concoction of artery clogging, blood-pressure surging, beauty-reducing bites of pure joy. Sugar, for whatever reason, has this strange capability of masking how much fat is in foods and making it harder to detect for the consumer. So not only are your fatty foods fatty, but it's more fat than ever because they can add sugar on top of it all. It's like a wolf not in sheep's clothing, but a bear's.

Salt works slightly differently; we don't really have a natural taste for it (the same test with babies with the sugar produces the opposite reaction). We develop that liking, and if we go off salt for long enough we don't really crave it as strongly. However, a small amount of sodium is healthy (actually, necessary) but we're not talking small amounts. Some of pre-packaged dinners have as much as three and a half days worth of salt in one single sodium bomb that tastes pretty awful anyways. For those of you who have had those Michelina's Frozen Entrees, you know exactly what I mean.

So what happens when we remove some of the salt, sugar or fat? It's more than just the taste. The chemical composition of the food changes, and unfortunately, much of the food becomes unpalatable. This can mean colour, consistency, texture, or any number of things that makes food great other than the obvious. At least that happens a lot of the time; sometimes we just don't like it.

Low-fat foods often fail miserably in the stores, and even when they don't it can lead to overeating anyways. The food companies have a history of drawing people in with the low-fat foods, having them find a lack of satisfaction in them, and eventually having them head on back and pick up the same full-fat version of the thing the consumer was avoiding in the first place. They use healthier foods to lead you back to the worst versions. Ultimately, it's the consumer (as in the consumer, not an individual) that's simply too cheap or too lazy to change it. Making your own food is one way of fixing it, but that's inconvenient; better ingredients become too expensive, and people wouldn't buy it. The food being deprived of nutrients isn't even necessarily the producers' fault. Take soup, for example. It's higher in salt than pretty much anything you're going to find, but that can easily be changed without losing the flavour by replacing it with herbs and spices. However, salt is astoundingly cheap, so it's kept in the process. But here's the thing; if consumers collectively purchased the higher cost, higher health foods, the food companies would be the first to accommodate that desire. But that's ultimately not what we want.

Lastly, even if we're trying for health, it doesn't quite pan out (and here's where those same producers I just defended turn really scummy). Tang is a notable example, as it was marketed as an orange (the fruit) drink - but really it's just an orange (the colour) drink. They tried adding the same nutrients and vitamins from oranges to Tang, but every time they did so it would alter the colour and the taste, and suddenly it would turn to a horrible mess. Fortunately for them, they discovered if they strip it absolutely bare of anything healthy, and add the one part of oranges that the average consumer knows is healthy (vitamin C) and add just that, then it still tastes fine and they can market it with oranges on the front as if deep down it's not quietly helping to put you in an early grave. The grocery store is littered with stuff like this, and while it used to be worse (lawsuits by consumer advocacy groups really helped here) it's been going on for ages with no signs of stopping.

So maybe at this point you're thinking "well, I'm going to be a better consumer, and stop eating all this garbage." Good! But don't forget that you're fighting companies that are throwing millions and millions of dollars of advertising against exactly that. But it's not only advertising - they go all out on making these treats perfect in every way, right down to the obnoxiously described "mouthfeel", which focuses on exactly what it sounds like. This excerpt from the book pretty well sums up what I mean.

"[Frito Lay employed nearly five hundred chemists, psychologists, and their technicians conducted research that cost up to $30 million a year. Their tools included a $40,000 device that simulated a chewing mouth to test and perfect the chips that snaps with about four pounds of pressure, no more or less."

We're all fighting giants. Every time we hit the store we have to actively choose over convenience,  taste and cost, and opt for the healthier option, all the while resisting the enticing manner in which the companies draw you in with their near limitless marketing power. But that's not easy to do. Not everyone has the money, the time, or even the desire to do so. "Salt Sugar Fat" shows us just how massive and often terrible the processed food industry is, and suddenly it seems like that one in four number for those that are obese is surprisingly low, if anything. But don't worry. They're not lonely. Much like our waistlines, their numbers are growing.