Simpsons by the Season: Bottom Ten

"Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore."

I grew up with The Simpsons. Quotes from the show were daily (sheesh, hourly) occurrences, I always looked forward to seeing a new episode, and as I grew older I developed an even greater appreciation for the classics, once I understood the more subtle jokes in them. Having been created right around when I was born and still running today, it's been a constant in my life, albeit a less important one in the last eight or so years. That's why I can't just give up on this show, and that's why I care enough about it to force myself through watching so many seasons when I stopped really liking them quite some time ago. Seeing so many terrible episodes disgraces something that has been so enjoyable in my upbringing, and as I've argued with video games, you can get attached to the characters in television just the same way you can a good book. Watching these atrocious episodes probably stings more than it should, but I can certainly understand why it stings at all - and why I can't just turn off the T.V.. Episodes like this tarnish a legacy that I've watched grow to great heights and fall so, so rapidly.

10: The Bob Next Door
Sideshow Bob has had many top tier episodes, and we've all come to accept that at the core of them he's trying to murder a ten year old. It's dark, but it's oddly acceptably dark. He has never actually killed anyone, and more importantly, he has never surgically removed his own face and that of someone else and switched them. Since I was ten, I have always thought: "Man, I hope he never robs a face. That would be needlessly gruesome and far too ridiculous for a show that's at least somewhat grounded in reality." You could imagine my disappointment when it happened.

9: Pray Anything
In season four, Homer stays home from church and it's a major point of contention between him and Marge. In season fourteen, he sues the church for a million dollars (which it can't pay) and thus takes it over, using a crucifix as an air guitar, drinking booze from a chalice, playing strip poker on the front lawn, and throwing a beer keg through the stained glass windows. It's a nice contrast for the degradation of the characters over the years.

8: Simpsons Safari
What an absolute mess. The Simpsons go to Africa, and after being chased by a hippo, they stumble upon a Jane Goodall type, but discover that she's actually using the chimps she's harbouring to mine diamonds. In the end they take the diamonds in exchange for their silence. It's atrocious on all fronts; it's never funny, it's far too ridiculous, and once again the family is a bunch of jerks.

7: Kill the Alligator and Run
The Simpsons become fugitives after killing an alligator, and... well, that alone should be enough to warrant a bottom ten placement. It just gets worse from there, with the whole episode being disjointed and poorly strung together. The entire family having to pack up and live a life as hillbillies running from the law is one of the stupidest plotlines of the series. But hey... a Kid Rock guest appearance. Who doesn't love Kid Rock? ...Right?

6: The Frying Game
If you can't remember the plot for this episode it's probably because there were seven of them slammed into one twenty-two minute segment. 1. Homer buys Marge a koi pond 2. They find a screamapillar, and must protect it as it's nearly extinct 3. Homer and Marge have to join Meals on Wheels 4. Homer and Marge become housecleaners for an old lady 5. They witness a break-and-enter and a murder that follows 6. Homer, a suspect for the murder, extorts the town with fear tactics 7. Homer and Marge are convicted of murder - but wait - it's all a joke! It's a game show! Haha!

The whole episode feels like it was written in one sitting by seven different people, none of which were communicating with each other. There's no cohesive plot, no laughs, and no semblance of reality in this godforsaken heap. Call Ray Patterson - clean this up.

5: Moe Goes From Rags to Riches
There are certain ideas for episodes that were doomed from their very inception. Moe being best friends with his bar rag which, as it turns out, is a sentient being that has been "living" through centuries before finding itself in Moe's care is not, under any circumstances, going to work.

4: Lisa the Drama Queen
Lisa finds a friend who brings her into a different reality, full of elves, trolls and other fantastical creatures. Why they would add a character that's somehow more pretentious than past-ten-seasons Lisa is beyond me. This episode is above all else simply boring. It'll leave you with yawns - angry yawns.

3: Saddlesore Galactica
Homer and Bart getting a tough-as-nails racehorse is a stupid enough plot as it is, but then discovering a secret society of jockeys (that are also elves) pushes me just too far. Homer falling into their jockey world is the second worst single moment of the series (the worst is in number one on the bottom ten list) in an episode that's irredeemable anyways.

2: The Man who Came to Dinner
There are a number of episodes in this list that I can't tell for sure if they're actually part of the Simpsons universe. Sideshow Bob stealing someone's face I assume is happening in reality, regardless of how impossible. Moe's bar rag? That one is a toss-up. The land of the jockeys? Probably real, I assume? But this episode - the most recent on the list - has Kang and Kodos abduct the Simpson family and bring them back to their homeworld. It's by far the stupidest episode they've done, and have stolen the aliens from their Halloween exclusive episodes where they so, so obviously belong. The entire episode is an atrocity, right down to the ending with Maggie flying the family back to Earth in a spaceship.

1: Homer vs. Dignity
What in the world were they thinking when they decided they would take one of their beloved characters and degrade him as much as possible for the purposes of an episode? The entire plot is Homer being a prank-monkey for Mr. Burns, lowering himself in a variety of ways for money. Homer getting sexually assaulted by a panda is the second worst thing to happen in this, and the worst (and the worst of the whole series!) is Homer sitting on the men's room floor in a diaper saying "baby made a boom-boom" for the amusement of Mr. Burns. There is nothing worse than that. There is no episode that even comes close.

Dishonourable Mentions:
"The Fool Monty"
"Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em"
"Mom and Pop Art"
"Mona Leaves-a"
"Gone, Maggie, Gone"