Bachelor Ben: Preview

Do I feel shame for watching The Bachelor? Yes. Yes I do. But it's shame that comes with at least some degree of reason behind it. Sure, it may be rigidly formulaic and pigeonhole people into the same archetypes year after year (the drunk, the rabble-rouser, the virgin, the one with the kid, the black girl, etc.) but nevertheless the high-school girl-esque drama never ceases to entertain for at least twenty minutes of the two hour show. The dates may be worthy of fast forwarding (will this season have a reluctant girl find comfort in the bachelor's arms as they bungee jump off the bridge/gorge/tower?) but the rest of the season is so chock-full of tears and other such dramatic elements that I for one just can't look away.

So what's in store for the contestants? Will a member of a previous season make their appearance and cause trouble (pretty well every season has this, so I sure hope so)? Will it be discovered that one of the bachelorettes has a secret boyfriend at home (probably the third time now)? Will there be a drunkard that goes home in quite the state far too early (almost certainly yes, and I have my predictions!)? Well, I for one can't wait to find out.

Amanda: 
Amanda at first seems like a potentially decent pick: her occupation sounds fancy and important (esthetician) and she's pretty good looking. But, upon looking up what an esthetician is (a beautician) I'm wary they may be up-selling the profession of make-up sales clerk at Macy's. Mind you, I could be wrong - but having two kids is the deathblow.

Amber: 
Amber returns - for the second time! After getting shipped out on the third episode of Chris' season, she's giving it another shot after a failed stint on Bachelor in Paradise. Amber seems like a very pleasant person, but a little boring, a touch too old at thirty, and not quite sleazy enough for the show. Sweet, kind people (but a little bland) don't make it far here.



Becca: 
Another returning character is Becca, after having made it quite far in Chris' season but ultimately getting the axe after he discovered she just isn't very interesting.

Breanne: 
Breanne is 30, from Seattle, and will be returning there after a few short weeks with little airtime on the show. Her profile isn't crazy enough to make me think she'll warrant much interest from the producers, and she isn't good looking or young enough to make it through to the latter half of the show.




Caila:
Being half Filipino and half German/Irish/Swiss makes Caila half an average contestant for The Bachelor. It's important to remember that while the number of Asian contestants on the show are notoriously few and far between, we have had an Asian winner not too long ago. Perhaps Caila will surprise us - even if her reasoning for wanting to have three kids is "because that's the perfect amount to fit in a 5-seater car for travelling".


Emily: 
This year's crazy angle to spice things up is throwing twins into the mix! Being a twin is so critical to their importance that not only is it what they are but it's listed as their occupation in the Bachelor bio. I can't wait for whatever comical escapades having twins on the show will bring, but there sure will be a lot of "double the fun" puns to be made. Or "double trouble". Or perhaps a hilarious drinking binge of "double shots". Either way, I can't wait.

Haley: 
This year's crazy angle to spice things up is throwing twins into the mix! Being a twin is so critical to their importance that not only is it what they are but it's listed as their occupation in the Bachelor bio. I can't wait for whatever comical escapades having twins on the show will bring, but there sure will be a lot of "double the fun" puns to be made. Or "double trouble". Or perhaps a hilarious drinking binge of "double shots". Either way, I can't wait.

Izabel: 
At this point I'm beginning to realize that having their favourite movie as either The Notebook or Bridesmaids must be listed as a requirement for this program. Anyways, Izabel takes perhaps the saddest single comment in the whole list: "Honestly, I don't love to read, but I did enjoy reading the first 150 pages of 50 Shades of Grey. Then I just saw the movie." Just eliminate her now.

Jackie: 
Jackie is young, good looking, and a gerontologist (the study of aging) which may or may not mean sharing a booth with Amanda at Macy's depending on how the show frames their job. Either way, she seems like the "fun" archetype for the show, and with a sane profile, she's an early pick to go decently far in the competition.

Jami: 
Lets see, Jami... 23, bartender, 5'5... and what's this?! From St. Albert, Alberta, Canada!? She won't win, but I'll certainly be rooting for her.

Jennifer: 
Having two vaguely sex related answers in their bio alone means that Jennifer may be this year's skinny-dipping girl that grabs the bachelor's attention and the disgust of the rest of the house. Sure, that's a stretch to say this early, but such is the nature of predictions. Take a look at this season's villain. That may be bold, but just you wait.

Jessica: 
In spite of listening to Lil Wayne and Luke Bryan to assure she gets the worst of both worlds, her profile is inoffensive. I'm going to tentatively say I would keep my eye out for this one.

Joelle: 
Joelle seems... well, perhaps a little ditsy.
When asked if she prefers hot or cold weather: "Hot over cold. Being too cold can hurt. Lol." OK, so she said "lol" in her bio. She's not the only one.
What three people she would have dinner with: "My grandfather who has passed, Ellen DeGeneres, and Jesus." And as for what food they'd have: "PIZZA! And wine." OK, so it's an odd mix, and she'd like to have wine and pizza with Jesus, which seems a little strange. But whatever.
Her special talent: "I can make a 3-leaf clover with my tongue. Just throwing that out there." OK, Joelle, put it back in.
And if she could be someone else for a day... "Taylor swift because she's awesome and I've already thought singing country music professionally would be so much fun. Plus, she has cool friends."

I'm beginning to think The Bachelor has lowered their age requirements.

Jubilee: 
Hats off to Jubilee. She's a war vet, having seen four and a half years of active duty. But, will the American standard of patriotic respect for their soldiers overwhelm The Bachelor's consistent standard of eliminating black women by the third round of the competition time after time? It's yet to be seen.

Lace: 
Lace tells this story: "When I had a guy I liked over for drinks and I forgot I pooped before he came over and he used my bathroom and saw it. We couldn't even talk we were laughing so hard!"

Lace doesn't flush. Lace won't last. Say farewell to Lace.

Laura: 
Hmm. Laura seems well spoken and at least on the first impression pretty decent. But, she's kind of strange looking, and not specifically because of the whole ginger angle. Regardless, I bet she'll go fairly far, but won't make a push to the top four.

Lauren LB: 
Lauren will be a first round elimination, and it's not her fault. The fact of the matter is she's just not attractive enough. She'll make it to round two or three under the conditions that enough people train-wreck out on the first day and she moves through by default. Or, on the second or third week if she gives a well-timed personal story that gives her a stay of execution. The world of The Bachelor is harsh.

Lauren B: 
I'm going to casually root for Lauren B. because she's one of a precious few contestants that refrained from using emoticons, terrible grammar, and internet abbreviations in her write-up. Kudos, Lauren.

Lauren H: 
Counter to Lauren B., Lauren H. littered her bio with OMG, FML, and :(. Her profession? Kindergarten teacher. *sigh*

Lauren R: 
I'll give Lauren bonus points for being self-aware enough to comment on how her favourite movie being The Notebook is a cliche. She's also the second person that would like to have pizza with Jesus, but this time spare the wine. Apparently, the average bachelor contestant views their lord and saviour as someone they can just chill and have a beer with while hanging with Justin Timberlake and Ellen. How is that conversation supposed to go, anyways? "So, Ellen, how's the show? And Jesus, I've heard so much about you!"

Leah: 
Leah seems to have little regard for leading a life full of mistakes. Having two doves on the back of her calves that she is hoping to have lasered off, she mentions "twerking on the wall in [her] dress during [her] Bachelor interview". I have a feeling her next regret will be having that seventh vodka shot that sends her home early.

Maegan: 
Self described as "country through and through", holding the occupation of cowgirl and into whatever Red Dirt Country is, I'm beginning to think Maegan may be a farm girl type. She says she enjoys BBQing and drinking some beers but I'm almost certain she means drinkin'.

Mandi: 
I want to say Mandi will be the villain of the show. She's an "I do what I want, whenever I want" type and proud of it. But, she may sway towards the drunk archetype (assuring an early elimination before attaining villain status) due to her "tendency to drink too much". Either way, she's pigeonholed into one of the two. Personally I hope it's the latter. She seems like she would be too annoying for a full season villain.

Olivia: 
Never have I seen someone look more suited to their profession. Olivia, a news anchor, even stands like one. She seems to be lacking on the crazy side, so I'll say she'll go decently far.

Olivia: 
If you're unemployed, and The Bachelor doesn't even make up a fake title for you like "former student" or "free spirit" that means she really must have nothing going on. I sincerely doubt she's going to make it beyond the second week - and that's only if she slips past the first round eliminations.




Samantha: 
Ah, we found the smart girl. She's an attorney. She was in the top 20% of her class. She correctly said whom. I hope she butts heads with the OMG FML TTYL ROFL kindergarten teacher.

Shushanna: 
I could hardly read her profile. I couldn't stop thinking of the clip of Krusty the Clown off The Simpsons trying to pronounce the Russian singing sensation that has a similar name to this girl. I suppose if you're not a fan of the show you won't get what I mean. Anyways, one of her quotes is "at some point I stopped believing in love again" and I'm predicting one heck of a teary-eyed departure - but fairly late in the competition.

Tiara: 
Named after princess headgear, her occupation is "chicken enthusiast". It goes to show that, yes, you can be lower on the totem pole in the working world than listing yourself as "unemployed". But don't worry, she's not that different from the rest; she still loves The Notebook like everyone else.

Simpsons by the Season: Bottom Ten

"Shut up, brain. I got friends now. I don't need you anymore."

I grew up with The Simpsons. Quotes from the show were daily (sheesh, hourly) occurrences, I always looked forward to seeing a new episode, and as I grew older I developed an even greater appreciation for the classics, once I understood the more subtle jokes in them. Having been created right around when I was born and still running today, it's been a constant in my life, albeit a less important one in the last eight or so years. That's why I can't just give up on this show, and that's why I care enough about it to force myself through watching so many seasons when I stopped really liking them quite some time ago. Seeing so many terrible episodes disgraces something that has been so enjoyable in my upbringing, and as I've argued with video games, you can get attached to the characters in television just the same way you can a good book. Watching these atrocious episodes probably stings more than it should, but I can certainly understand why it stings at all - and why I can't just turn off the T.V.. Episodes like this tarnish a legacy that I've watched grow to great heights and fall so, so rapidly.

10: The Bob Next Door
Sideshow Bob has had many top tier episodes, and we've all come to accept that at the core of them he's trying to murder a ten year old. It's dark, but it's oddly acceptably dark. He has never actually killed anyone, and more importantly, he has never surgically removed his own face and that of someone else and switched them. Since I was ten, I have always thought: "Man, I hope he never robs a face. That would be needlessly gruesome and far too ridiculous for a show that's at least somewhat grounded in reality." You could imagine my disappointment when it happened.

9: Pray Anything
In season four, Homer stays home from church and it's a major point of contention between him and Marge. In season fourteen, he sues the church for a million dollars (which it can't pay) and thus takes it over, using a crucifix as an air guitar, drinking booze from a chalice, playing strip poker on the front lawn, and throwing a beer keg through the stained glass windows. It's a nice contrast for the degradation of the characters over the years.

8: Simpsons Safari
What an absolute mess. The Simpsons go to Africa, and after being chased by a hippo, they stumble upon a Jane Goodall type, but discover that she's actually using the chimps she's harbouring to mine diamonds. In the end they take the diamonds in exchange for their silence. It's atrocious on all fronts; it's never funny, it's far too ridiculous, and once again the family is a bunch of jerks.

7: Kill the Alligator and Run
The Simpsons become fugitives after killing an alligator, and... well, that alone should be enough to warrant a bottom ten placement. It just gets worse from there, with the whole episode being disjointed and poorly strung together. The entire family having to pack up and live a life as hillbillies running from the law is one of the stupidest plotlines of the series. But hey... a Kid Rock guest appearance. Who doesn't love Kid Rock? ...Right?

6: The Frying Game
If you can't remember the plot for this episode it's probably because there were seven of them slammed into one twenty-two minute segment. 1. Homer buys Marge a koi pond 2. They find a screamapillar, and must protect it as it's nearly extinct 3. Homer and Marge have to join Meals on Wheels 4. Homer and Marge become housecleaners for an old lady 5. They witness a break-and-enter and a murder that follows 6. Homer, a suspect for the murder, extorts the town with fear tactics 7. Homer and Marge are convicted of murder - but wait - it's all a joke! It's a game show! Haha!

The whole episode feels like it was written in one sitting by seven different people, none of which were communicating with each other. There's no cohesive plot, no laughs, and no semblance of reality in this godforsaken heap. Call Ray Patterson - clean this up.

5: Moe Goes From Rags to Riches
There are certain ideas for episodes that were doomed from their very inception. Moe being best friends with his bar rag which, as it turns out, is a sentient being that has been "living" through centuries before finding itself in Moe's care is not, under any circumstances, going to work.

4: Lisa the Drama Queen
Lisa finds a friend who brings her into a different reality, full of elves, trolls and other fantastical creatures. Why they would add a character that's somehow more pretentious than past-ten-seasons Lisa is beyond me. This episode is above all else simply boring. It'll leave you with yawns - angry yawns.

3: Saddlesore Galactica
Homer and Bart getting a tough-as-nails racehorse is a stupid enough plot as it is, but then discovering a secret society of jockeys (that are also elves) pushes me just too far. Homer falling into their jockey world is the second worst single moment of the series (the worst is in number one on the bottom ten list) in an episode that's irredeemable anyways.

2: The Man who Came to Dinner
There are a number of episodes in this list that I can't tell for sure if they're actually part of the Simpsons universe. Sideshow Bob stealing someone's face I assume is happening in reality, regardless of how impossible. Moe's bar rag? That one is a toss-up. The land of the jockeys? Probably real, I assume? But this episode - the most recent on the list - has Kang and Kodos abduct the Simpson family and bring them back to their homeworld. It's by far the stupidest episode they've done, and have stolen the aliens from their Halloween exclusive episodes where they so, so obviously belong. The entire episode is an atrocity, right down to the ending with Maggie flying the family back to Earth in a spaceship.

1: Homer vs. Dignity
What in the world were they thinking when they decided they would take one of their beloved characters and degrade him as much as possible for the purposes of an episode? The entire plot is Homer being a prank-monkey for Mr. Burns, lowering himself in a variety of ways for money. Homer getting sexually assaulted by a panda is the second worst thing to happen in this, and the worst (and the worst of the whole series!) is Homer sitting on the men's room floor in a diaper saying "baby made a boom-boom" for the amusement of Mr. Burns. There is nothing worse than that. There is no episode that even comes close.

Dishonourable Mentions:
"The Fool Monty"
"Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em"
"Mom and Pop Art"
"Mona Leaves-a"
"Gone, Maggie, Gone"

Simpsons by the Season: Top Ten

"Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff... where you said all about the... things? Uh... the things?"

To preface this blog post I will point out the top ten all come from seasons three to eight, the sacred halls of The Simpsons in which the show could do no wrong. It won't be long now that those times will be two decades past with the show still plugging along, having lost it's relevance, quotability and more often than not, it's humour. But this isn't a time for complaint, but rather a time for craning your neck up in non-shame, reliving the best of the best. It's no easy feat - finding ten classic episodes could be as easy as randomly selecting a patch from season four, but selecting only the top of these strips so many greats that deserve more credit. Sideshow Bob alone could account for half the list with Krusty taking the remainder and it wouldn't be too unreasonable. Nevertheless, here's my attempt, and since it's the internet what better way to do it than to list them in a top ten format where it's likely this first paragraph gets skipped and all the more likely that only the titles of the episodes are read.

If you've made it this far, kudos.

10: Homer's Enemy

Here's the difference between the cynical episodes of old and new. Homer remains a good person. Frank Grimes has a brutal life and ends up finding his end after a fit of rage towards the carefree, coast-through-life style of Homer Simpson, but ultimately Homer doesn't do anything to hurt Frank; at least not deliberately. He tries to befriend him, he's scared of going to work because of him, he's intimidated by him, and while he may be inconsiderate it's out of boorishness and never cruelty. It's a stark contrast to nowadays Homer in which he's grifting, thieving or otherwise. That's the reason why a darker episode in the series worked in the golden years and why they don't work today.

9: Homer Bad Man
For pure comedy this is quietly one of the best episodes of the series. You won't see it on many top ten lists but it's certainly deserving of high praise when high praise is all that came towards the series. It's consistently funny, the story is entertaining, and the Rock Bottom segment is one of the single funniest stretches in the shows long run.

8: The Itchy and Scratchy and Poochie Show
Well, all of these episodes are hilarious so I might as well stop pointing that out every time. The introduction of Poochie comes in the eighth season of the show, around the time that if a show has lasted that long it's at the point where it's dragging its body across the finish line after having lost most if it's viewers. The whole episode is not only smart enough to poke fun at this but they do so knowing how good the show still is. Sadly, it's season nine that starts the decline. Perhaps they got cocky. Nevertheless, it's The Simpsons in a beautiful state.

7: Sideshow Bob Roberts
The Simpsons can occasionally take on political episodes so well they're the highlight of the season. We've seen it in "Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington", a contender for the top ten, and now we see it mixing with one of the greatest of the Simpsons characters. The reason this episode takes the cake are quotations like this one that riddle the episode: "Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals and rule you like a king." It shows The Simpsons is more than just a regular cartoon comedy - it's much smarter than the norm.


6: Marge vs. The Monorail
It's sixth place on the list and third in it's season. The fourth season of the show is so stunningly good that the hilarious appearance of Phil Hartman can't even bring it to the top.

5: Homer at the Bat 

This episode didn't even make it to the top of season three, which attests to just how strong a season it was. The entire episode - the story, the humour, the animation (Mr. Burns' hand signals and Homer swinging at the baseball in slow motion spring to mind) - all culminate into a classic. Ask any good Simpsons fan to recite the "Talkin' Softball" song that plays at the end, and they'll probably repeat it verbatim. Ken Griffey's grotesquely swollen jaw... Steve Sax and his run in with the law.... We're talkin' Hoooooomer... Ozzie and the Straw!

4: You Only Move Twice

Considering how well received this episode is amongst Simpsons fanatics, I'm surprised Hank Scorpio has only one appearance in the series. In a way I'm glad he hasn't - his story only needs to be a one episode arc, and we can all rest peacefully knowing that the Globex Corporation is likely sort of running the Simpsons' world by now. It's refreshing considering every movie that did more than break even in the last ten years is finding a sequel, no matter how unnecessary. I'm looking at you, The Hangover. I'm also looking at you, The Hangover II. 

3: Radio Bart

Prior to seeing this episode on my extensive re-watch, I wouldn't have put it anywhere near the top ten. I felt it was just another classic amidst a number of other classics, but it's a solid step above. Just think of how many great moments: the birthday celebration at Wal-E-Weasel, the "Sending our Love Down the Well" song, the great visual gag of Willie revealing he's super jacked, and of course the core story of Bart being a practical joker but ultimately getting his comeuppance. It has all the makings of a top tier episode and it deserves it's spot. It's a near flawless episode. 

2: Homer the Heretic
Back in the day when the Simpsons went to church and Homer went to work, staying home from either was kind of a big deal. "I'm whizzing with the door open... and I love it!" is to this day a frequently quoted line in my house. It never gets old. Better yet, the whole episode is filled with quick wit that shows the characters can lead an episode and not just what's happening around them.

1: Krusty Gets Kancelled
It takes a lot to make it to the number one spot in the series, but the countless mega guest stars, the great plot, Krusty being at his finest and more great lines than most shows have in their whole seasons, "Krusty Gets Kancelled" takes the cake. Krusty deserves it anyways. He's the most consistent of all the Simpsons characters.

Honourable Mentions:
"The Homer They Fall"
"Mr. Plow"
"The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson"
"Cape Fear"
"Homer the Great"
"The Last Temptation of Krust"

Simpsons by the Season: 26

"You know what we should really thank for our success? Lower standards."

It's the last season before catching up with the present day, which means this project I've started about ten months ago is finally coming to a close. Twenty six seasons later, I've seen it through it's inception, the golden years, the shockingly fast descent, a brief half-resurgence (at least in comparison) and another sharp decline. I haven't been enjoying the episodes for a while now, and, as you can see by the increased length between posts, it's becoming more of a chore than anything. Rather than feeling the satisfaction of completing a task, it's closer to being put out of my misery.

I had thought the series had hit somewhat of an end of history, descending into mostly tame episodes that are rather run of the mill and inoffensive; finally all dust and embers of it's once roaring fire. It's the way the show had been turning for the past while, and I foolishly thought the trend would continue. Oh boy. If only. While the mistakes are plenty, the theme of the errors this time around are simple; it all comes down to laziness.

More than ever, things feel loosely strung together as the episodes fail to reach a cohesive story. Guest stars come and go for seemingly no reason: Pharrell Williams just happens to be in Springfield without explanation; Elon Musk descends from a futuristic spaceship mostly just because. The effort in the writing in at least having a reason for the guest spots is shot, but that's not the only mistake here. Frequently the show feels like a pieced together variety hour with plots that come and go with only a tenuous link to the main story. The appearance of Elon Musk's spaceship (I can't believe that sentence has to do with a Simpsons episode) ends a segment of the show where the family captures an eagle - a segment that has nothing to do with the rest of the show but nevertheless takes up a good part of the beginning of the program. A similar idea occurs in an episode called "Sky Police" that has Clancy find a jet-pack to better monitor the town before crashing it into the church - where the plot goes to a gambling scheme. But what about the whole sky police angle of which the episode is named? Well, when Clancy said "this is the end of sky police" - only three minutes and fifteen seconds into the episode I might add. I guess that was the end of that plotline entirely. Even the endings of episodes have moments that appear tacked on just to fill space when they couldn't make up the entire twenty-one minutes. One ends with "The Simpsons Post-show Jug Band", which is entirely as it sounds; another is just a drug fueled trip from Otto. Neither is funny. Both are pointless. It plays like it's written by a child that's on a sugar-high.


The rest of the season is filled with what I've come to expect from the past few sets. Absurd storylines (Kang and Kodos are real, apparently), changes of character (just one off lines like "that's where I used to grow my weed, but that's a story for another day" tend to upset me - and by the way, Marge said that), and repeated stories (Homer and a rag-tag band he puts together become wildly popular, and Apu finds centre stage - but this time he doesn't change his last name to de Beaumarchais). They might as well just keep making seasons now, as long as it's making them money. What have they got to lose? It's no longer a cultural phenomenon; no one talks about The Simpsons anymore, and spouting quotes from the series stops beyond season eight. It's no longer well received or respected, as that died out long ago. So many of the writers have long since left, and they very nearly lost Harry Shearer. They said they wouldn't do a movie, but of course that didn't last. That would have required some integrity left in the show. Groening removed his name from the episode when they did a crossover with The Critic from the sixth season (pointing out The Critic has "nothing to do with the Simpsons' world" and "it violate[d] the Simpsons' universe"), and now they've done one with Futurama and allowed their characters to appear on a Family Guy crossover episode, the twisting of the knife in my side. I suppose it doesn't even matter when they stop now. To quote the show from a better time...

Stop, stop, it's already dead!

Best Quotes:
"Remember: we're parked in the ethnic princess section."
-Marge at a Disneyland-esque place

"We will always remember your countless appearances on the Krusty the Clown Show... and your one appearance on To Catch a Predator."
-Krusty getting roasted

"You don't have to announce it. Just do it quietly and blame the dog."
-Homer

Best Episode:
It's always safe to go with Krusty. "Clown in the Dumps", in which Krusty's dad dies, has a few pretty big laughs and a story that isn't total nonsense. Nowadays that counts as the default victory.

Worst Episode:
"The Man Who Came to Dinner" has the family visit the home planet of Kang and Kodos, the Halloween episode favourites. The quote "are we truly in space? And if so, why?" rings far too true. Maggie flying them home in a spaceship was taking the knife that was twisted in the Family Guy crossover and giving it serrated teeth. Bottom ten material, right here. A fitting way to end it.