What a mess. Chris has been underwhelming as a bachelor, what seemed like solid picks have fallen by the wayside, and despite having my final three predictions all staying in the race they're all on their way out soon. However, a mess is something that's typically great television, and this season is surely no exception; high drama, rampant insecurity, and enough exclamations of "amazing" and "here for the right reasons" to fell the hardest of alcoholics (even early eliminatee/second attempter Jordan) in a drinking game.
But what if you've been missing out, and have heard the glories of The Bachelor but are just now planning to indulge? Well here's a recap on all the players left in the running.
Kelsey:
One of my predicted top three finishers, Kelsey had all the makings of a finalist judging from her performances in the first few episodes. Seeming calm and collected, and a business-like haircut that practically tells you as such, this former widow (another bonus point) should make it far. However, something in the past two episodes has gone horrifyingly wrong. She's become gossipy, whiney, and is throwing a high-pitched laugh in her arsenal that could shatter the countless glasses of wine that adorn the Bachelor household.
It came to the pinnacle at the end of last week's episode: she decides to tell the story of her husband's passing - a patented Bachelor move-on-to-next-week card to play - but with all the nonchalantness of a retelling of a tale of a trip to the grocer. She had the audacity to call the story of her husband's untimely death "amazing", later saying she "loves [her] story". Her inexplicable panic attack collapse at the end of the episode is spelling doom not for her health or mental well being, but for her chances of ultimate Bachelor victory - the most coveted prize of television as far as I'm concerned.
Becca:
Oh, Becca. She seems like a decent person. I believe she may be a naive girl who signed up for the show thinking it's a great chance to meet a good man and live a happy and prosperous married life.
The poor woman. I wish her the best as she finishes in 5th or 6th.
Britt:
If you have read my previous Bachelor blog (you haven't, most likely) I called Britt the frontrunner. Arguably the most attractive with an obvious connection from the beginning, it seemed like if Britt kept her wits about her she's a first place finisher in the making, or at least a future bachelorette. However, she's dipped lately; a constant open-mouthed gasping face at the slightest surprise (oh my gosh a date card?! On the Bachelor?!) feels like she's putting on a show. To quote many a fifteen year old girl - she seems fake.
After this week's ominous "nap" with Bachelor Chris, with a Godfather-esque door closing to ward away the cameras, the physical connection is, obviously, more evident than ever. However, too strong of confidence and being perhaps a little overbearing will spell her end before this show is done. She'll become too needy and overplay her hand. 3rd or 2nd place. Mark my words.
Jade:
Jade seems like a tremendously sweet, down to earth girl that's the type you take home to see your parents. She has all the innocence of -
...wait, hold on.
She posed for Playboy?
Ashley I.:
Alright, shame me. She was one of my top three picks from episode one. I didn't realize how rampantly insecure she was. I'm sorry. We all make mistakes.
The entire episode last week hinged on Ashley repeatedly stating she's a virgin - in fact, going as far to say she's never had a boyfriend. That's about as close to the truth as I'm as close to being a millionaire.
Megan:
Either the show is playing up this poor girl's idiocy, or she really is completely out of her mind. Not necessarily crazy, but just (at the risk of sounding rude) downright stupid. She's still in the competition for one of two reasons: the producers are asking Chris to keep her for comedic reasons, or her absolutely massive chest is carrying her through.
Both are fairly reasonable assessments.
Whitney:
The fact that Ashley I. hates Whitney is a sign that the latter has a good head on her shoulders. She seems like decent person and a potential winner, despite having one of the most obviously staged "wedding crasher" dates a few weeks ago leading to one of the more boring moments in the season, even by Bachelor standards. I'm rooting for her. I hope her incredibly high-pitched voice won't cost her.
Kaitlyn:
Kaitlyn went from the slutty one (sure to last maybe a few weeks) to an entirely different class of contestant - a narrator comedian, and a rather likeable one at that. I went from being ashamed that she's the only Canadian in the show to hesitant non-shame. Good for her. I predict a 4th-5th place finish.
Samantha:
Samantha is...
Um...
Well, she's currently in the show. From the four seconds of airtime we see her each week we have confirmed that yes, she signed up for The Bachelor, and yes, she is technically still in the running.
Mackenzie:
Slightly nutty, occasionally somewhat funny, a little aloof, and eliminated either this upcoming week or the next. I'm sorry, Mackenzie - you have a child and the rest of your traits don't quite make up for it.
Carly:
Typically I warn against women with crazy eyes such as Carly's, but this time she might be a decent pick. I don't believe she'll make it to the final three, but she kind of deserves it. She's pretty smart, well spoken and occasionally funny. Better yet, she's aware enough to recognize the power move by Kelsey to drop her "widow card" right before her likely elimination.
Bachelor Chris:
Chris has one main failing, and while Juan Pablo had several, this is one that they share. He can't speak for the life of him, especially when he's in panic mode. A few weeks ago he was asked an admittedly rather difficult question ("Why is it you're kissing all the girls?" or something to that effect). The honest answer would be he's the bachelor and he can do as he pleases because all of the women will flock to him even if he passed out Nazi propaganda brochures instead of roses. The correct answer would be to tell them he feels a number of strong connections, it's a difficult and unusual situation, and just because he has kissed someone else it shouldn't take away anything special from the relationship that he has with the girl he's talking to. Finish it off with the old bear with me, it's a difficult trial for all of us but I'm in it for love and to find a wife, and I'm asking you to trust me speech, and you're golden. Case closed.
Dang. Perhaps I should be the next bachelor. Is there a market for feeble, pasty Canadian men with days and days of World of Warcraft experience?
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